Good Conversation is Not Small, It's Specific

Why the problem with Small Talk is that it's actually Too Big

I recently went on a great friend date. It was our first one-on-one dinner, and even though I’m never really worried about holding a conversation with even a stranger, I walked away in awe of how uniquely easy it was to talk to my new friend. I knew it wasn’t just our natural compatibility— he recently threw a 1 year anniversary party of moving to NY and at least 50 new friends had attended. So I thought about our conversation and what qualities he had that have made him so ripe for connection. Of course some people just are born more charming and god bless ‘em for it, but what I could take from the experience and share was this: he was deeply specific.

When I asked him how his holidays were, he didn’t just give the generalities of “good” or an overview of logistics, he told me, in some detail, how they unfolded. This gave us multiple layers and directions for the rest of the conversation to unfold; work life balance, family dynamics, and it also gave me permission to be specific as well. Real life lives in the specifics, and if you can’t drill down to colorful details, you’ll always just be talking to an acquaintance.

It can be hard to bridge the gap between friend and acquaintance, and the difference really is in the details. The stilted awkward conversation you have with someone you see often at gatherings but can never seem to really break the ice with. To this I recommend: fake it ‘till you make it. The mark of a true friend is how quickly you can get down to business of what you really want to talk with. Someone you haven’t seen in months, in minutes it feels like no time has passed. I actually think social media helps with this, covering the big moments so we don’t have to waste time with graduations and weddings and we can really dive in. Don’t give me the top view I want to hear about yesterday’s commute! But pleasantries can sometimes get in the way of making it to this place of intimacy.

Yuu don’t want to ask prying questions because it feels rude. You. don’t want to share small moments because it feels selfish to discuss something so uninteresting. But I’m telling you, you must. Show them the screenshot you sent to your groupchat without context. Tell them about the ridiculous new socks rule at your pilates class. Complain about the passive aggressive Christmas gift your aunt gave you. This is where connection lives! Someone has to start the conversation and someone has to be specific.

I’ve long been a defender of small talk, I think there’s nothing more beautiful than the generalities of life that bind us all. Traffic will be bad on the way to the airport this holiday weekend. Rain again! How about them yankees? Every single day I see my neighbor, point to the sky and say “this weather!” I do not know his name but good lord is that daily ritual keeping me alive. But small talk has a place. It’s for strangers, neighbors, people you may see every day and trust with your keys, but who would never know about the weird fight you had with your boyfriend last week. That’s for friends.

Haters of small talk often say they’d rather talk about “real” things. Like what happens when we die, is there a God, where does the universe end. But how real is that for you? Sure I guess it would be nice to know, but that’s not what’s making up my every day. My day is made up of boiler stress, my addiction to social media, how I’m feeling in my relationships, the puppy I saw, what I’m planning for lunch. I could have a day long “deep” conversation about the universe, but I don’t know that you’d become my friend that way. I wouldn’t feel comfortable texting you in a bind.

The opposite of small talk is specific talk, and it is my humble submission in the war on loneliness. Next time you’re trying to connect, think detailed. The smaller and more specific the moment you’re describing and the feelings you’re sharing the better chance you have to really start something with the person across from you. It’s not just self-serving to delve deep into your own minutia, it’s a gift to your potential friend, an invitation to share back at a level that matters as opposed to “weekend was good! We went to a party.” And maybe the “deep” talk can be your “specific talk”, I just found out the reason I sometimes can’t sleep at night is pretty aligned with the monthly full moon, a reminder of the power of the universe. But it only came up because I was specific about why I couldn’t sleep last night, because it seems like NY is getting brighter.

So next time someone asks “how’s your day going”, give yourself permission to tell them about the breakfast you made that you’re so excited about. There’s universal in the specific, and your whole life is really made up of the trivial moments of each day.